Its 05h30 and Gav has just left for work, I’m curled up on
my comfy wicker chair outside with my tea and blanket keeping me company. I can
see the harbour lights twinkling through the trees in the distance and the
world is stretching and waking up.
This time last year I had just had my first chemo session of
my first cycle and most of the time I was too sick to even get off the couch
but I pushed through, I was stressed about work and wondering how I was going
to keep up with life. I remember staying up most nights with wild thoughts
racing through my mind – am I going to die? Am I going to ruin my body? Am I
going to have a life? Will I get other cancers? How will I cope? I still don’t
know the answers too many of these questions but I live in hope that all will
be okay. I remember crying in the shower some nights so that no one would see
how distraught I was and trying to stay strong when I felt like falling
apart- a smile and bright eyes can hide
enormous pain and suffering, and sometimes it’s the only way to keep things
together.
I often get asked how I can be so positive and cheerful
through all of this chaos, in the beginning I didn’t really know how to answer
the question without giving to much away- my family was going through another
crisis at the same time I was diagnosed (I won’t go into detail as it’s not my
story to tell) and quite simply, I didn’t have a choice whether I wanted to be
cheerful or sad, I had to keep swimming. Of course I had a wonderful partner
and friends who helped me immensely but it was incredibly challenging. I
remember lying in bed staring at the ceiling one night when a though crept into
my mind - would it be better if I just died so that I didn’t have to face the
tough road ahead? I quickly pushed it out of my mind and decided there and then
that I would never, ever think about death again. I was going to rise up to
this challenge and push my way through all the hardships- no matter what they
may be.
Since then i have hit some pretty amazing milestones and I’m
proud of myself for making it this far. I think I sometimes forget the severity
of my situation and it really sunk in the other night when I was lying in bed
with Gav and we were discussing my will. Not exactly something that young
newlyweds should be discussing! Sadly it’s our reality and we are forced to
prepare for every outcome, no matter how upsetting it may be. My bone marrow
transplant is my golden ticket - screw getting to visit a chocolate factory,
that’s of no use when you’re dead! On a serious note, it really is my last
chance to be in remission and to stay alive. We all just assume that it will be
successful and I have little doubt that it won’t be, but we still have to
prepare for the alternative…
I am officially 12 sessions of radiation down and here is a
breakdown of how I’m feeling:
Body: My skin is a
bit sensitive but not unbearably sore, no bumps or redness to report! My throat
and oesophagus are raw, raw, raw… I am living on Myprodol and anti-inflammatory
throat spray to keep the pain away but swallowing is painful. A piece of toast feels like the equivalent of
swallowing a cactus, I’m NOT exaggerating!
When I left Pretoria, after my bone marrow harvest, the
Haematologist said that I needed to gain a minimum of 5kgs before I went back
to Pretoria at the end of this month otherwise she would not sign me off to
receive my transplant. This sounds easy peasy right?! When last did you get
told to put on weight, ha! Well let me tell you, it’s A LOT easier said than
done, I have been tucking into pizza, pastry, chocolate, bread, cheese, Ensure,
double cream yoghurt and ALL the treats, I’ve had Easter for the last 2 months but
I just can’t seem to gain weight. I have had to force down the solids as it is
so incredibly agonizing to swallow. I am also so exhausted all the time. I wish
I would explain exactly what this fatigue is like but I just don’t seem to be
able to find the words, all I can say is that it is draining and awful and I
can’t wait to have energy and a bit of spirit again! My takkies are squealing
and want to come out of retirement (the spiders can find a new home) and my
heart can’t wait to get blood pumping speedily through it again.
Mind: I have good days and bad days and I guess that’s
normal. I’ve got my positive pants on and I’m trying to find as many fun
distractions to do as possible so that my hospital check-in date doesn’t
consume my mind and existence. I’m nesting like a crazy person and my Husband
isn’t complaining! Lots of gourmet meals are flowing out of our kitchen, I’ve
planted a new herb garden, and I’ve been spending a lot of time in home stores
finding bits and pieces for our special home, Pinterest is eating all of our
data and our spare room looks like a craft shop exploded inside of it.
Grow little herbies! Hoping Gav wont kill these one's while I'm away!
I want to make 2015 my year of “yes”, I’ve already committed
myself to being a wife to the most unbelievable man which I’d say is a pretty
good start! I want to say yes to as many opportunities as possible and I have
the best of friends who will join me on this ride. I really want to push
myself, experience new things and go on adventures, I want to laugh, to play,
to love and to make sure that I embrace every venture that comes my way.
So friends, I encourage you to SEIZE THE DAY! Life can be
gone in an instant – smell those roses, breathe in the fresh air and say yes to
those adventures.
xxx
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